Overcoming Relationship Anxiety: Signs, Causes & Therapy Options
Author – Stuti Sood, Consultant Psychologist
Today let’s talk about something that holds an important space in our lives and hearts. The beautiful bond that we share with that special person, the bond that holds all the love, laughter, fights, disagreements, special moments and so much more. Yes you got this right, I am talking about relationships or as we call them romantic relationships.
Every person in relationships feel differently about it. Some feel like they are floating above the clouds, some feel that they are drowning under water and then there are people feel anxious about the relationship. Let me break it down for you.
Imagine you are with someone who is an amazing person, he/she is good with you and there are no problems in the relationship. It is a very healthy relationship. Sounds perfect right? But still you might have constant worry, fear, doubts and insecurities about the relationship. How will you define this?
This is called relationship anxiety.
Although many people have worries or doubts about their relationships but people who suffer from relationship anxiety feel excessive worry about their relationships. That anxiety could sometimes lead to certain consequences, so much so that they might break up or distance themselves from their partners.
Although DSM V TR (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) covers anxiety related mental health conditions and disorders including concerns connected to interpersonal relationships, still relationship anxiety is not a clinical disorder.
Now the biggest question we need to answer — “Is relationship anxiety normal?”
Well in simple terms, the answer is YES relationship anxiety is normal. It may not be the best thing ever but it is way more common than we think. And that’s exactly why you and me we are here today. I will tell you all about it in this blog so that you don’t feel like, “Why am I feeling like this?” and “How to handle this?”
Relationship Anxiety Vs Separation Anxiety Vs Relationship OCD
Before we move ahead it is important to understand the difference between relationship anxiety, separation anxiety and relationship OCD.
ASPECTS | RELATIONSHIP ANXIETY | SEPARATION ANXIETY | RELATIONSHIP OCD |
What it is? | Constant worry, doubt or insecurity about the relationship | Excessive fear of being away from the partner | Obsessive and intrusive thoughts and compulsive reassurance seeking |
Main Fear | “What if the relationship fails?” | “What if they leave me?” | “What if it isn’t the right relationship or person for me?” |
Focus on Anxiety | Relationship security and emotional validation | Physical and emotional distance and attachment | Obsessive thoughts about love, compatibility etc. |
Behaviours | Overthinking, reassurance, checking messages | Clinginess, panic when apart, difficulty being alone | Repeated checking of feelings, mental reviewing and confessing |
Triggers | Delayed replies, conflict, change in tone | Partner leaving, being busy, less contact | Small imperfections, loss of excitement, comparing relationships |
Reasons or Underlying Issues | Fear of rejection and not being enough | Fear of abandonment and being alone | Need for certainty and intolerance of doubt |
Impact on Relationship | Can create dependency and frequent conflicts | Can make independence difficult and uncomfortable | Can make relationship emotionally exhausting |
Signs Of Relationship Anxiety
Now that we understand what relationship anxiety is and how it is different from separation anxiety and relationship OCD, let’s move ahead and see how relationship anxiety looks like:
- Constant Need for Reassurance
They may repeatedly ask questions like “Do you still love me?”, “Are we okay?” or maybe “Did I do something wrong?”. Temporary reassurance may give short-term relief to the anxious feeling.
- Hyperfocus on Partner’s Behaviour
Often overanalysing texts, tone, facial expressions, small changes in communication etc. These can be interpreted as signs of problems in the relationship.
- Always Thinking About the End
Constantly searching for reasons or flaws and overthinking about every little thing and assuming everything in the relationship is wrong when in fact it is going well.
- Self Silencing
Suppressing own feelings, needs, opinions to avoid fights and disagreements. Expressing real feelings might seem difficult and they can indulge in people pleasing behaviour.
- Difficulty Feeling Emotionally Present
The mind is often occupied with worry, doubts, fears and “what if” scenarios and it makes it difficult to enjoy and be in the present moment.
Causes Of Relationship Anxiety
Relationship anxiety is not something that comes out of nowhere. There are certain causes for the same. Let’s explore them in detail:
- Past Relationship Trauma
Experiences such as cheating, betrayal, ghosting, rejection or toxic relationships can lead to relationship anxiety and mistrust in future relationships.
- Insecure Attachment Style
People who experience emotional neglect, inconsistent love and unpredictability growing up might feel insecure and increase doubts and fears in relationships.
- Low Self Esteem
When someone doubts their own worth or feels unworthy of love, they may start to believe that a healthy relationship is too good to be true and can lead to over analysing.
- Poor Communication
Unclear and unrealistic expectations, unresolved issues and arguments, and not being clear about the relationship in the early phase of dating can lead to anxious feelings.
- Life Stressors
External stress like family stress or work stress can put pressure on a person and on the relationship as well. When anxiety and stress are increased, relationship satisfaction can decrease.
What To Do About It?
In the end let’s finally talk about what we can do about relationship anxiety and how to manage it.
- Cultivating a Strong Sense of Self Worth and Awareness
Understanding oneself and building confidence, identity and emotional security can ultimately lead to a happy and healthy relationship free from anxious feelings.
- Challenge Negative Thoughts
Not every thought is a fact. Identifying and challenging negative thought patterns can help decrease insecurity and fears in the relationship. Taking a pause can make a lot of difference.
- Open Communication With Partner
Expressing fears, worries, opinions and thoughts with your partners instead of suppressing them can help you vent out and feel more close and comfortable in the relationship.
- Identifying Attachment Patterns and Triggers
Look for the things that trigger anxiety like delayed texts or changes in tone. Awareness is the first step towards change. Exploring past relationship experiences and attachment style can help answer the question of why you feel certain things.
- Try Therapy
When it feels like you are unable to understand or manage things, it’s always better to reach out for therapy. There are so many different types of therapies from CBT to EFT to Gottman Method to SFBT that can be used to help you. Look for the therapist that is best suited to your needs, finances and comfort.
Final Words
First of all I really appreciate that you took time out of your busy schedules to read my thoughts. Relationship anxiety as we discussed above is more common in today’s world and that’s exactly why we discussed about it today. I hope this information was helpful for you and you learnt something today.
At Positivity, our team of qualified psychologists is here to support you every step of the way. We understand that reaching out can feel like a big step and we aim to make that process as comfortable and accessible. We have an amazing group of relationship counsellors and therapists. You can browse our team on the website and book a session with a psychologist who feels right for you. Support is just a step away. There is absolutely no need to suffer in isolation.
We are here for you.
