Relationships and Communication: How Therapy Fixes Barriers
Sam said, “You never listen to me,” for what felt like the hundredth time. Alex was quiet and looked at the floor in the kitchen. They didn’t want to fight. But they were back again.
You’re not the only one who has heard this before. Couples don’t fight most of the time because they don’t love each other. They fight because no one ever taught them how to talk to each other, especially when things are hard. The good news? That is a learnable skill. And therapy is one of the most effective places to learn it. (Start Therapy Today)
In this blog, we’re going to talk about how therapy can help you communicate and get along better with others. Not in a vague, feel-good way, but in a way that you can use right away. We’ll talk about why communication breaks down, what therapy really does, five things you can start doing right away, and what real couples’ progress looks like. (Get Matched With a Therapist)
Why Communication in Relationships Breaks Down (And It’s Not Your Fault)
Most people don’t know this, but most of the time, problems with communication in relationships aren’t about the words you use. They are about how your nervous system feels when you use them.
Our brain goes into survival mode when we feel threatened, even if it’s just emotionally. The prefrontal cortex, which is the part of our brain that thinks, stops working. The amygdala, which is the part of the brain that controls alarms, takes over. Researchers call this a “amygdala hijack.” What does it look like in a real home? Someone saying something they wish they hadn’t, or someone shutting down and not saying anything at all.
This is not a flaw. This is biology.
The four patterns that quietly kill connection
Dr. John Gottman, a relationship researcher, spent decades studying couples and found four patterns that, if not stopped, slowly damage even the strongest relationships. He called them the “Four Horsemen.” To put it simply, they are:
- Criticism—attacking who your partner is instead of what they did (“You’re so selfish” instead of “I felt hurt when you forgot”).
- Disrespect is rolling your eyes, making fun of your partner, or making them feel like they’re not good enough. This is the one thing that most strongly predicts the end of a relationship.
- Defensiveness is when you respond to a concern by attacking back or acting like the victim.
- Stonewalling means shutting down, checking out, or giving someone the silent treatment.
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Most couples who go to therapy for relationship problems show at least two of these patterns, and they often don’t even know it. They aren’t bad people. They are people who have never been shown another way.
Wait, What? “We argue about money and chores. Surely that’s the real problem?” Research consistently shows that most couples fight about the same thing under different guises. That topic is money. The real issue is feeling unheard, disrespected, or unimportant. Therapy helps couples look beyond the surface argument to understand what is really happening underneath.(Explore Therapy Packages)
How Attachment Shapes How We Fight
Our attachment styles formed during childhood, which serve as blueprints for our emotions, play a major role in relationships. People who have an anxious attachment style will often seek others in an attempt to escalate their relationship with that person, whereas those who have an avoidant attachment will withdraw from the relationship and become silent/quiet to some extent.
This is often manifested as a push-pull motion that can lead to both partners feeling increased levels of loneliness compared to before they started having communication issues. Understanding your attachment style is one of the first steps a good therapist will assist you with in couples therapy.
69% of relationship issues are considered perpetual (i.e. the couple has had the same arguments multiple times).
The average couple waits 6 years from the time they begin having communication difficulties before they seek help.
70% of couples report a significant amount of progress after going through a structured therapeutic plan.
What Therapy Actually Does for Your Relationships and Communication
Many individuals have an image of therapy as someone lying on a couch crying due to childhood traumas; however, while emotions can arise in therapy, especially in a couple’s setting, there is much more to modern-day therapy than just focusing on emotions. In fact, one should think of therapy less like confession and more like physical therapy. Participants have a communication-related injury when they enter the therapy room. The therapist will assist the client in understanding how the injury occurred, provide exercises to rehabilitate the injury, and help the client perform new movement patterns until such patterns become habitual.(Hear From Our Experts)
Session 1 with Sam and Alex
Alex remembers, “Our expectation of her telling us who was right was wrong”. During our first meeting she asked us the rather unique question, “When was the last time you felt heard by your partner?” While each of us looked at each other there was no answer.
There was more within that silence than the one month of multiple arguments and it was the first moment that we both started to change.
Therapist as an impartial observer
One of the greatest advantages of having a therapist is neutrality. Most people juggle the role of judge, jury and defendant, making it difficult to resolve disagreements in an objective manner. The therapist, however, is not any of these; rather, they are a professional observer, someone who can provide objective feedback on observations, yet have no vested interest in either person’s viewpoint.
The identification of our emotions
If you are surprised by something during your counseling sessions, it may be because most of us have a limited range of words to describe how we feel. We tend to use basic vocabulary such as “mad,” “sad,” and “fine,” but research conducted by psychologist Paul Ekman and other psychologists indicates that there are at least eight different categories of emotional states, and when you are able to articulate those feelings accurately, you will communicate more effectively.
Therapy can add many words to our emotional language. For example, when Alex is able to express that he feels disregarded as opposed to expressing that he is angry, this means a complete change in the tone of their discussion. Sam hears this differently, and as a result is less likely to be defensive and open to an alternative way of looking at the situation.(Book Your Session)
“Therapy isn’t just a way to vent your frustrations; it’s a process that will help you make changes in your life, whereas venting is rarely effective at creating change. Research indicates that, while venting may feel good temporarily, it often reinforces negative behaviour patterns. In contrast, therapy is structured, and a qualified therapist isn’t just going to let you vent; they’re going to stop you from doing that and they’re going to work with you to create a new behaviour pattern and achieve your goals through the use of therapy. A similar analogy would be that you can complain about how your ankle hurts because it’s broken; but if you do your physio exercises, the pain should eventually disappear from your ankle.”
Every couple argues. Healthy couples have simply learned how to argue differently, and repair faster.
5 Therapy Communication Techniques You Can Start Using Today
These are the therapy communication techniques that come up most often in sessions — and that make the biggest difference for couples dealing with ongoing communication issues. Each one follows the “Rule of Three”: what it is, what it looks like when it’s going wrong, and one simple exercise you can try at home.
Technique # 1 – I-Statements
What it is – Instead of blaming your partner, I-statements focus on you and your experience. They are framed as follows: “I feel [emotion] when [situation] because of [the affect]”.
Incorrect Example: “You never think about me”. “You always do this.” “You make me feel like I am invisible.” Starting a statement with “you” causes your partner to feel attacked before they have even had a chance to understand what you say.
Action Item for Tonight – Look at your last three complaints about your partner and rephrase each one into an I-statement. Pay close attention to the difference in how the energy of the sentences shifted from blame to invite.
Sounds like:
“I feel really disconnected lately, and I miss us spending quality time together”, instead of “You’re always on your phone.”
Technique # 2 –Active Listening
What Is It? Lets understand passive listening first, this involves listening so that you can respond and give only part of your focus while also thinking ahead and preparing your rebuttal or counter-argument.
What It Looks Like When It’s Going Wrong: While your partner continues to speak, you’re already thinking through what you want to say to them and how you’re going to deliver it. You have not actually heard any of what your partner has said to you and you are simply waiting for your “turn” to say something. This is one of the most common complaints couples make in therapy: “I feel like I’m talking to a wall.”
How Do I Do It? After your partner finishes speaking, take a minimum of three seconds before responding to him/her (this gives your partner time to collect their thoughts) and then repeat back what you believe you just heard your partner tell you by saying, “What I’ve heard you say is [paraphrase]. Is that correct?” If you follow this one simple step each time you engage in a difficult conversation with your partner, you’ve the potential of completely altering the tone of that event.
Sounds like:
“So what you’re saying is that you’ve been feeling unsupported at work, and you wanted me to check in more. Did I get that right?”
Technique # 3- The 20-Minute Pause
What It Is: When conversations become heated, taking a temporary break helps you reset your nervous system and is a powerful tool for communicating with each other in a healthy way.
What It Looks Like When It Goes Wrong: One partner calls for “a minute,” storms away, and then the other partner chases after her/him and feels abandoned, resulting in the 20 minute pause being a form of punishment. Neither partner gets the reset that is needed.
Try This: Agree on a code word or gesture (before the argument) that would allow either partner to call for a 20 minute pause. The only rule is to use the 20 minutes to calm down, and not to rehearse your argument. After 20 minutes, come back together.
Sounds like:
“I need a 20. I’m not leaving, I’ll be back and I genuinely want to work this out.”
Technique # 4 The Softened Start-Up
What is it? The Gottman Institute found that the start of a difficult conversation can predict the outcome with 96% accuracy. If the conversation starts with contempt, sarcasm, or blaming behavior, it will escalate into an argument and become more complicated. A softened start-up will allow the couple to have an opportunity to discuss their feelings together as well as allow for a successful communication to occur.
Example of how to use it incorrectly: “There is something I want to discuss with you. Before you say anything at all, I’m sure we are going to go back and forth with each other on this one, so let me just say right now that you will have many excuses for what happened here today.” The couple have already finished the discussion before it even begins.
Examples of how to use it correctly: “I have seen a pattern in your behavior lately where you seem to ignore me.” “I have noticed that when I am two minutes late that you will usually show disappointment in me.”
Sounds like:
“I’ve noticed we haven’t had much time together this week, and I really miss connecting with you. Can we talk about it?”
Technique # 5 Validating Without Agreeing
What do you mean? Validation is recognizing that what your partner feels is logical (even if you view the situation reasonably), not saying “You are right.” It is saying “I can see why you would feel that way.”
What it means when validation goes wrong: “Well if you feel that way, that is your issue.” Or “You should not feel that way”; both responses add to the person’s sense of disconnection and loneliness.
Try this: The next time your partner shares a difficult emotion, do not try to explain, defend or fix their problem; instead say: “That makes sense; I have not thought about it like that.” Then just wait and see what the outcome will be.(Stay Connected With Us)
Sounds like:
“I can see why that upset you. If I were in your shoes, I’d probably feel the same way.”
Can Relationship Therapy Online Really Work? (Spoiler: Yes)
I am often asked: “Is there really a difference between having an online relationship therapy session vs. having that appointment in your therapist’s office?” This is a valid question, and there has been plenty of research to support the fact that for couples struggling primarily with communication concerns, the answer is a resounding “YES”!
In 2021, a meta-analysis conducted by The Journal of Telemedicine and Telecare, found that many couples participating in the study and receiving their couple’s therapy via telemedicine had similar outcomes to those received through traditional methods. With online couple’s therapy, there is an opportunity for couples to feel less anxiety due to a neutral environment that is less intimidating than going into a therapist’s office.
Can Online Therapy Be As Personal As Face To Face Therapy?
Many couples see their therapist online before they see him/her in person. One of the reasons for this is that online therapy eliminates the logistical barriers to starting (agreeing on a location, travelling and scheduling). The importance of the therapeutic relationship in terms of outcomes is just as pliable and strong over video chat as it is in person. Actually, online therapy has revolutionised what is possible for couples living in different cities and/or with busy schedules, as well as revolutionising their relationship.
What to look for in an online therapist
There are many online therapy options available, but they don’t all provide you with the same level of service. Here’s a quick list to help you choose the best online therapy option for you and your partner:
- The therapist works specifically with couples or relationships and has the proper training to do so (not just a general counsellor).
- The therapist uses evidence-based techniques like Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT) or the Gottman Method.
- The therapist has a clear cancellation policy and no hidden costs.
You feel comfortable and secure within your first few sessions.
Here is one very important point: if there is any type of domestic violence, active substance abuse, or an acute mental health crisis in either partner or both partners, you should seek out in-person help to ensure both safety and success at the beginning of the matter. It’s important to talk to someone knowledgeable and/or working with these types of issues.(Start Therapy Today)
Real Signs That Communication in Couples Is Improving (With Therapy)
Most people have certain expectations regarding how they envision progress in relationships will appear; they expect that arguments will end, there will always be complete harmony and they will always feel as though their partner completely understands them. In reality, the way that progress actually appears is in how quickly couples can recover from arguing (in that it previously took 3 days but now takes a few hours), how aware one person is of potentially repeating the behaviours that led to the argument, how much more curiosity exists between partners about each other and when repair attempts begin to happen within the couple.
After attending 8-12 couples sessions for therapy consistently, many couples begin noticing:
There are still arguments; they just do not take as long to recover from. When you went through your last fight you had to process it for 3 days before moving on, now you are able to process it in 3 hours.
A partner saying to the other: “Wait, I think I am doing it again, can we slow down?” is a huge milestone.
More curiosity about one’s partner’s response to situations; i.e., instead of thinking “I can’t believe they said that” they now think “I wonder what caused them to respond that way?” Also partners are beginning to utilize small gestures of repair to one another. After a tense conversation or disagreement, there may be a small loving touch to let the other know you still love them or after an unresolved argument a partner sends a text message to say, “I’m sorry about this morning.” These are all examples of what John Gottman calls “repair attempts” and are one of the most important features of a strong relationship.(Explore Therapy Packages)
Sam & Alex – After Eight Sessions
“Just last Sunday we had another big fight about the dishes,” said Sam. “But then Alex said, ‘I feel like I’m being flooded,’ and we decided to take a little 20-minute break. By the time we came back together — we weren’t arguing about the dishes anymore; we were both just feeling like we had been alone all along carrying so much weight.”
Together they spent the rest of the night talking about it and not trying to win, but rather trying to understand — this is what healthy communication looks like in the real world. Through wish and fortune, they were able to build this skill over eight Tuesday evening sessions with their therapist and numerous times during the week practicing together.
Setting realistic expectations
Most couples dealing with communication deficits will be off to a good start by attending eight to twelve sessions. Some couples may require more and some may require less. Our goal, however, will not be to finish therapy but develop sufficient skill and understanding of ourselves so that we can grow together beyond the professional setting.
Those couples who receive the most benefit from couple therapy are the couples who choose to do couple work in between session. They practice their use of I-statements following their argument on Tuesday. They utilize the pause technique when their conversation escalates on Saturday. They explore one another’s ideas from a place of curiosity even when being curious is the most difficult option.(Stay Connected With Us)
Every relationship can be a place of safety. Therapy helps you build it — together, one honest conversation at a time.
Final Thoughts – You Don’t Have to Keep Fighting the Same Fight
The single most important thing I want you to remember from reading this article is that the way you are communicating now is causing your relationship to be in the state it is; and this is not a permanent way of communicating because it is learned. Anything learned can be unlearned and replaced with something more positive.
Getting help through therapy (in person or couples therapy online) is not just a sign your relationship has failed and you need to seek help. It is also a way of learning how to speak a new language together – and just like any language, the more you practice it, the more fluent you will become at it.
Both Sam and Alex are still together but have different ways of arguing; the most important difference is they are able to repair after an argument, which is the ultimate goal of learning and improving communication in your relationship is not to be perfect, but to be understanding and not as distant; and knowing that you are both making efforts to improve your relationship by learning a new language.
That is very valuable!
Ready to Start the Conversation?
Working with a therapist doesn’t mean something is wrong with your relationship. It means you care enough to make it better.
